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| Christ by Laurie A. Blair |
I do not speak directly of it much as it can make people uncomfortable. As a matter of fact this will probably be the only time I talk about it in a blog. Oh I may sprinkle in a little bit here and there, now and then. But not like this.
This is my testimony, the story of me, The moment I came alive. The moment my Savior gave me the grace of the ability to doubt and yet believe!
Now my life started like anyone else's, a mom and a dad, soon sister's and a brother. A family, but soon we realized we were not quite like everyone else's family. Our parents fought. Oh, horrible fights... I spent many times so afraid that we were going to die. At first they were sporadic, once or twice a year. but by the time I was 9 they had escalated to horrible weekly ordeals, bats, brooms and whatever item that was in the nearby vicinity became a weapon of choice. Screaming so loud, and saying horrible things.
Where were we during these episodes. Well, if we were lucky, hiding under the covers or all of us together in my bed trying to comfort each other and keep our little brother quiet.
Finally there was a separation and a divorce. We lived with my mom first, starvation, no power and other problems plagued our days now. One day I came home from school, after many month's of them fighting in court and more hurtful things than I ever want to talk about on both sides, to find my mom in the driveway with my new baby brother in the car and it was packed to the roof with stuff. "Laurie, please call your father at work and tell him he's won." Then she got in the car and left.
I am 12...
I had to go into the house and call my dad.
I had tell him what she said.
I had to watch as he came to our house later and sobbed.
I think the one who lost the most that day was me...
As my dad worked trick work, and me being the oldest, I was now responsible for everything, every bad thing my brother and sister's did. If anything happened, and it did a lot. the buck stopped here. So believe me when I say. My brother and sister's did not consider me a friend any more, or a sister. I was now the enemy. I was truly alone now. I can't even begin to tell you the level of my despair during this time period. Worry over getting things done at home, getting my siblings to behave and trying to keep up my own things at home and at school. I wasn't very successful. And I got punished a lot for it.
Now to understand what I am about to tell you, I have to explain about my brother David. he was 5 years younger than me. And he was angry! For a lot of reasons. He would run around and say he was going to kill you, and then hit you with toys like his giant Tonka trucks. Now if any of you remember them, they were huge and made out of metal and they really hurt you when you were hit with them. But it was the "I am going to kill you!" screamed like my parents used to say it, that troubled me.
So the breaking point, was the night, my dad had just left for work. And we had just finished cleaning dishes. and I don't know what set David off, but he grabbed a knife and ran at Bonnie screaming the "I'm going to kill you!" I don't know what happened or how I got the knife from him .But I did, and I didn't yell but something about me must have put the fear of God into them, because first I told my sister's to go to their room and get in bed and they did! All the while holding my brother's hand in one of my hands and the knife in the other. He didn't struggle, he just looked at me terrified. I still remember the voice that came out of me, it wasn't mine. "You!" I punctuated the words! " Never, ever, have the right to threaten anybody's life ever!!!!!!" I calmly walked over and placed the knife in the drawer. Sat down on a dining room chair, turned him onto my lap and said " I m going to spank you a hundred times so you will never ever forget!" And Lord forgive me, I did. I then marched him up to his room with a broken hand (not really, just really swollen), and him with probably the sorest butt. I put his pajama's on and put him to bed. My sisters asked me what had happened as I passed their room. I told them to mind their own business and to go to sleep. I walked down stairs got that knife out of the drawer and went back up to my room. I shut the door quietly and collapsed on the floor.
I had nothing left you see...nothing. My dad was probably going to kill me when he found out what I did, my sisters and brother hated me. I had no friends. I had no family. Nothing. I sat down and I wanted to cry. but nothing came out. I could not feel anything anymore. I picked up that knife put it to my wrist and started to apply pressure I wasn't afraid... I didn't feel anything any more. I had nothing to lose.
But suddenly, someone was there with me. He told me to "stop". He held me. He told me he was my father and he loved me. So much! And I was never alone. Never! And as he held me. I cried, I cried for hours. all the while he soothed me and told me how things may not get any easier, but he would always be there. Always send people to comfort me and guide me. As dawn peeked over the edge of my window he told me he had to go but he gave me a bible verse Psalm 27; 10 - for if your father and mother forsake you, God would welcome and comfort you. I went downstairs and put that knife away.
I felt empty still, but in a good way! Like a cup waiting to be filled up. I began a feverish search for a bible. And let me tell you in a house headed by an atheist (at that time) it was quite a feat. I finally found a bible in the library at school later that day. Where I read that passage again and again. Something was happening, I wasn't sure what. but I felt better. Safe, loved, filled up.
I don't know if my brother ever told my dad what happened, but my dad never said anything. I wasn't in trouble. But everyone around me noticed I was changed. My dad thinks I changed during that time because I started singing. I know I changed because he (God) gave me my voice and my spirit!
He reached into a truly dark place pulled me into the light, filled me with unconditional love! Gave me the courage and the strength to strive on. And best of all the grace of forgiveness, for my self and others so that I could move forward. I found friends and singing, I asked my dad if we could start looking at churches and he surprised me when he said yes. We went to many actually, even a synagog!
My world changed.
I know without a doubt, who was with me that horrible, wonderful night. I know who saved me. Who showed me the light and life!
I know who allowed me in my new faith, to doubt and yet believe. And who loved me through it all.
Today at church began with our greeter wishing us all "Happy God's day!" Yes, I wish you all, God's grace, mercy and love and,
Happy God's Day!
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