I Am Not A Duck!

Big Duck!

I am not a duck! What do I mean by that? Well... I am not free spirited.
I can not run up to that cliff and jump off. I have to check a few things first, talk it over with Andy, the girls, you know my peeps! Hee Hee! Check the weather report...

Things like problems and meanness, like water on a duck, do not roll off my back. My poor husband Andy has to put up with me working through it by talking about it and talking about it. And talking about it! Like a duck, I do not quack like crazy and just get it all out. Nope...

I now realize,

I am a turtle.
Yup! sorry to say it, but I am. I internalize things. I Carry them around with me... Oh believe me I hate it. I wish I could just waddle away without a care in the world, But no, I store it in my shell, ponder it, carry it around for awhile before I let it go.

Everything is so serious for me. I guess it is because I put so much of myself into everything. As I have gotten older I am learning not to let other peoples opinions matter so much. I am more confident and know who I am and am proud of my accomplishments.

But I just can't seem to as it says in the bible" turn the other cheek." and accept another hit with a forgiving heart. I work on this all the time in my turtle way, plodding along carrying extra baggage, that I don't need, that weighs me down.

When really, I wanna be free!
Quacking up high!

Nope, I am not a duck...

I am a turtle, trying to grow a few feathers.

Ahem...Quac.. Qua...nope, still a turtle.

Here's me working on it and hoping we all find our inner duck.

CHANGE, a little of this, a little of that...

I am trying to change...
It is not easy. I am comfortable with who I am.
Honestly, I think most of us are happier to let life happen to us, Rather than us making the effort to have an impact on life.

You see I am trying to lose weight. I am on my first diet. No kidding, it's true.

When I have lost or gained weight in the past it just happened. I did nothing to help one way or the other. If I am successful I don't want people to admire what I am doing or to compliment me. I am doing it for me. And for my grandchildren. Plus I have seen others lose weight get compliments and then they gain it back, that has to feel awful.
Not that I plan on gaining weight back. But I know it happens

Right now I see others around me doing it and maintaining it. And I am encouraged to do my best. To believe. But I know the change must come from me. So I can be healthy and live the long life I want to live.

But I recognize this will not be easy for me.
I hold things in. Panic when food supplies are low. Soothe my anger and hurt with food. I need to change. so I can change.
Does that make sense to you?

Strangely it does to me.

So up front I want to say, I am not doing this to be prettier, or admired.
I will appreciate encouragement.
No judgement please...
I have had enough of that to  last a lifetime.

You would be astounded what people feel comfortable saying to overweight people.
Once I was picking up a birthday cake at Wegmans for my son's birthday party and a man came up to me and said "you wouldn't be so fat if you didn't stuff that @*#@ in your fat face.!" It was not the first horrible insult, nor the last.
So, you will understand when I say, I am a little sensitive.

Be patient with me, while I work on changing a little of this, and a little of that.
I am proud of me! 
I think just making the decision to change and starting on that journey was a big step.
I am CHANGING.

Do You Dream?

Dreaming


Do you dream a lot? I do. In fact I am pretty sure I come from a gifted family in the dream department.


My dreams are nothing like what the experts say they should be.
I have dreamed solutions to problems in my dreams woken up yelling about it and fixed things just like I dreamed in the morning.
I once dreamed that I had died and was picked up by a bus where the Angels nicely explained to me that I had my choice of heavenly destinations, I could live on an Irish island, live under the sea in a mermaid community, or in a fuituristic city that was super clean and pretty. Of course me who is terrified of dark water and sharks chose the mermaid. Go figure!?
 And no this was long before the movie "What Dreams may Come." so I did not get the idea from that.


The experts say your dreams are how your brain works through your day. Okay....


Explain to me how,  me and six other women hanging in nets, starved and badly beaten up, dirty and terrified. waiting for something terrible....then I hear a noise like marbles clicking together and look in front of me and a small bag of marbles is doing just that, dancing around and banging together and I know the bad thing is coming. They are horrible monsters! I wake up sweating and crying.


What does that have to do with my pleasant, quiet day of crocheting?


Nope, not so much...


Apparently we are not supposed to dream in color. But I do.
I fly a lot too. Later when I go places I remember flying there and tell Andy the layout of the rooms. I freak him out with that .
I have seen my grandparents in my dreams and spent wonderful nights in conversations with them I met my granddaughters before they were born in my dreams.
Twice I had dreams that could be epic best sellers if I ever wrote them down. I can still recall both of them vividly to this day!


I can fall into dream sleep pretty rapidly, even though I have terrible insomnia. When I do fall asleep, I dream. Andy has woken me up after five minutes and I am already dreaming. I don't think he would believe me except I have woken up telling him to get out of the way of the train. And I am strangely mad at him when he wakes me like that... It feels like I left a part of me back in my dream. And it takes me awhile to feel normal. Not a good feeling.


I have had dreams that warned me of things. Dreams where I have met people, and later on I really meet them. Very spooky.


I can remember having dreams when I was very little. Very little! Dreams where I did not talk, and people were talking but I did not understand them. I  did not talk yet apparently. These dreams are all sights sounds and smells. Yes, I said smells.


 I want to believe the experts know what they are talking about, but my own experiences tell me, they don't. The other day a Doctor on NOVA said we only have a very small understanding of the power and ability of the brain. That right now science only understands one tenth of it's capacity and abilities.
I think we need to reserve judgement about dreams, until we know a lot more. We need to encourage our children to dream, take the bad with the good. In my bad dreams I have learned to not be so afraid that I don't fight back. In my good dreams I go exploring, I have solved problems, found answers. Touched base with those I love who have passed on. And flown past the boundaries of my life!
I think that is why I am not afraid of dying. I will only be passing into a forever dream.
I tell my granddaughters to dream of ponies and rainbows when I tuck them in. I know they probably won't but it can't hurt to put the thought in their little minds and hope for the best. I know they too will learn to appreciate their dreams. Good or bad.
I wish you all sweet dreams...

AHHH_CHOOOO!!!!!

I should have this posted all over my home!

I have a cold....

I get my flu shots every year and have had my Pneumonia shot also because...

I hate being sick!

Usually my husband brings one home and shares with me. Or my grandkids come and share their incubated viruses with me.

Problem being when I get sick, because of my lowered immunity, and I am getting older.
I get really sick!
Instead of a week, it's usually 3 weeks for me....

Yeah, I really hate being sick.  But I am my own worst enemy. I kiss my husband and then remember he is sick! " Oh no! I shouldn't have done that!" I say. Too late...
Same goes for the grand kids...

Oh, I remember to wipe down the shopping cart handle at the grocery store and to wear gloves at work and a mask at the doctors office. To use hand sanitizer when I am out and exposed to the public. But at home...

I forget all the rules... Voila! Ahhhhhchooo!

And as I am the caretaker of our family, I am also the one who for the most part must care for herself .
I miss the days when my mom or my grandma used to come and look after me. I can remember my grandma putting mustard rub on me.
Laugh if you will.
It really worked and it felt great! Chicken soup and game shows. Mom reading me a story, and sleeping on the couch, feeling her cool hand on my forehead as I slept... But those days are gone. They are just wonderful loving memories.

Now, I need to treat my home like I do when I am in public spaces.

When my hubby is sick either he or I will be wearing a mask, hand sanitizer will be strategically placed around my home and person. No kisses while he is unwell. Sorry Babe! These viruses are getting nasty and harder for me to beat. So... don't be surprised if you see me wearing a mask, or wiping my hands with sanitizer after I shake yours, nothing personal. I just don't want to be so sick anymore.

Maybe you need to post a few of these around your home. I think, when we are there, we are so comfortable and in our routines that we just forget. And I don't want to continue passing on these germs.

I have a daughter whose own journey to dialysis began with strep throat caught from a girl at school, who didn't want to miss the Christmas parties and came to school sick. Please keep your children home when they have fevers and are really sick. There will be other parties.... Please don't go to work if you can, and if you can't talk to your doctors office. They can provide masks for you. We've all got to start being more conscientious.

So here's me doing my part. Hopefully I have finally learned my lesson.

Ahhhhhchoooooo.... I am going to bed. With lots of water, tissue, hand sanitizer. turning on my humidifier. And dreaming of mustard rub and gentle hands.

I wish you all a virus free season.